Monday, June 10, 2013

I Was a Spy for the NSA

Facebook and Google are coming clean about cooperating with the NSA.
Not necessarily someone connected to this story. He went to Hong Kong. A long way to get Chinese food.

Before Bob Woodward or Walter Winchell tell you, it’s time you knew that for the past twenty-two years The Lunatic Assylum has thought of itself as a front for the NSA.
Not the real NSA office.

You would find out anyway.Some of the loonies at the Assylum go out in the rain and yell. Most of what they shriek is incomprehensible. But they can pronounce NSA. It rhymes with U.S.A! Which we all shout during Springsteen concerts.
I was born in the USA. I live in The Lunatic Assylum.

This confession won’t be in my book this fall. Only my relatives and kids will be reading my book. And they’ll only pretend to read it because I’ll give them one for Christmas and Chanukah.

The NSA was impressed when I said I’d spy for them. I voluntarily printed out all my emails and text messages and Internet posts from Facebook and Google+ and Twitter for the past 37 years (two reams of paper, four black ink cartridges and one color).

I went to the NSA office in Times Square. (Don’t look for it. It’s behind that big screen. ) And piled it on their desk.
The camera is in the button hole.

I had dropped the pile on the subway and the pages got mixed up. The dates weren’t in order. People helped me pick them up. A few papers ended up on the tracks with the rats. I said to hell with those. The NSA can go get them if they want them.

The woman at NSA said I should alphabetize them. I asked if they had interns to do that. They don't.
So if you’ve ever sent me an email or received one from me—or had any Internet or cell phone connection with me—I suggest you go to Times Square and turn yourself in. Take the 2/3 subway train to 42nd Street and walk a block. Stand in the center of the triangle. (It’s not really square—that’s a spy way to throw people off their trail.)

Stand in the street and yell, “I’m mad as a March Hare, and I’m not going to bake it anymore.” Someone in a uniform is sure to show up.
Be patient.

It’s better than waiting for Fox News or CNN to report it. O'Reilly won't be gentle. The cover-up is always the worst part.
It feels good to get that off my chest. Now the loonies and I can get on with our Monopoly game.
And I can get my Chinese food in Brooklyn instead of Hong Kong.

Thanks for reading. See you next time?

<a rel=“author” href=“”>Timothy Hurley</a>

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  1. I guess it might be dangerous to comment, but all I can say you are just too smart for them....Chinese food in Brooklyn sounds way better anyway!

  2. Thank you for reading. And you're right. They are making lists of every post and commenter where the keyword NSA appears. It's making it hard on the Nanook School Association newsletter. And I check every delivery order of food that comes to the apartment. I'm sure I will find an NSA listening device in the Szechuan prawns.

  3. Good funny stuff, great flow. I love your hypotenuse that Times Square is actually a triangle.

    1. Thank you for reading. I enjoyed The Hard Egg News also.