Friday, May 17, 2013

Vegetarianism is Destroying the Earth

Be on the lookout for this. It’s methane.
In response to a question: yes, cows do release methane. It’s because they eat grass. Grass has a lot of indigestible carbohydrate.
The cow goes moo.
Cows can map the world
Corn, not a natural food for cows, also has stuff cows don’t digest well.  Whenever an animal doesn’t digest certain carbohydrates, the bacteria renting tiny little apartments in your colon (the large intestines) digest the carbohydrates and release methane. That’s the ingredient in farts that allowed Singed Sam to work his way through college setting lite to his gaseous expulsions. Farting is not all bad.
Not Sam, but same size flame
The bacteria also make other stuff that’s good: butyrate, for instance that might help cell wall healing, and theoretically should lower cancer risk.Hurley’s Law: Every time you hear a fart a cancer cell dies.
Cows are doing their best to create methane, which is way better than carbon dioxide as an ozone layer destroyer. Methane is the big brother of global climate change. There are more ruminants (that’s cows and cow-like critters.) than at anytime in earth history. Humans far outnumber cows and also release methane in response to indigestible carbohydrate (beans, cabbage—you know the drill).
Methane factory
Humans who eat lots of animal meat (The Lunatic Assylum does not advocate cannibalism.) get less carbohydrate—which is why there was less farting in a Neolithic cave than at a salad-eating Manhattan board meeting.
Another gas factory
 There's a bill in the Senate to ban vegetarianism. And that makes infinite sense. It’s the vegetarians and the vegans who get the most carbohydrate. Next time you hear a fart in an elevator realize: it’s the vegetarians who are destroying the planet. (Hurley’s First Law of Elevators: Never fart when you’re alone in an elevator; when the doors open there is no doubt in the minds of those getting on.)
No doubt
I say ban vegetables outright. And if the National Food Association lobby is too strong to pass that (the NFA spokeperson, Charleton Preston, exclaimed, “The government can have my rutabagas when they pry them from my cold dead hands.”), then at least have background checks on those buying veggies.  And no more Saturday night specials at the supermarket.
No more of this, please
It’s obvious from my research we need to get rid of the cows. And the best way to do that is kill ‘em and eat ‘em. The next time you drive through McDonald’s, eat an extra one. Do it for your planet.
Brad and Angelina saving the planet
Thanks for reading. If you find any flaws in my logic, let me know. See you again?

photo credit: Google Search


  1. I loved your reasoning. Down with vegetables!

    1. Thanks +Barbara Edwards for commenting. I agree vegetables are dangerous, evil things hiding in the ground like weeds. And they kill polar bears. Thank you for validating my thinking. My brain hurts so much when I think, I'm never quite sure of myself.

  2. I loved the "no doubt" and the "saturday night special" parts. I LOL'd. But more than that I laughed at remembering the trouble I've gotten myself into over the years making similar arguments to my uber-lefty vegan when I insist on meeting for lunch at restaurants that specialize in smoked meats. Good post, Doc. I've encouraged all of my 2,000 closest friends on G+ to stop by and leave you an angry message.

    1. Thanks, Buzz for the share. I'll prepare for your veggie friends' anger. It seems you have to offend someone. Either you fart and offend the sensitive types or you eschew veggies (liked that, didn't you?) and offend the tree-hugging Californians. (there, that should bring out the CA anger.)

  3. "Every time you hear a fart a cancer cell dies" - Absolute gold :) Somewhere in my catalogue of little know facts is a story about the planet being incapable of supporting a human race of vegetarians, your logic is arguably valid, and if I didn't agree cows have as much right to be here as the rest of us, I might even agree with you and share this very entertaining piece with my part of the world.

  4. Thank you, Ida. I don't often have people tell me my logic is valid. Feels nice. And I guess the cows do have a right to be here, but I wish they'd get out of my apartment. I only have two rooms and one shovel. :)

  5. Cute.
    The only real bad parts of vegetables are the GMO's, but most people, like vegans don't realize that and will become 'trolls' if say anything. But hey they are the ones with hormone problems.

    Did you know that the 'Five a Day' was started by a vegan? And that he was the one who pushed for the pamphlets saying that humans were to have more grains, especially wheat, and that he was tied to the grain industry.

    Wheat now has 50% more gluten in it than it did to being with at only 5%, hence the problem of gluten-intolerance and large numbers of people finding out they have Celiac.

    I like cows, until they try to run you over, then its dinner time. :)

    1. Thanks for reading, Ria. I find that I am mostly rutabaga intolerant. Oh, and eggplant. And okra. OMG okra makes me want to ....'nuff said.
      I think everyone should be on a high chocolate-high Timothy Hurley books diet. Both will keep anyone as healthy as they need to be. Look at me. I'm just living in The Lunatic Assylum because it's convenient. I can check out anytime. I just can't leave. Thanks again.

  6. If we completely stop eating vegetables, won't the little suckers overrun us?

    I think there's a place for balance,but I am brought to ponder. Although humans outnumber cows, which produces more methane on a global scale?

    1. Hi, kblakecash and thanks for reading my nonsense. Yes the vegetables will overrun us. Even as we speak there is broccoli trying to get in my back door. Which is why we need goats to protect us from the vegetables. Sort of like German Shepherds protect us from encyclopedia salesmen.
      Per animal, the cow is the methane winner at about 40 liters per day. Not all humans make methane (depends on genetics and the type of bacteria in the human), but the average human makes about 12 liters of fart per day, not all of which is methane, and most of which passes at night, which is why we are so endearing to our spouses. I went to 4 years of medical school to learn that.

  7. As with many other inventions, a lot of research went into it. In a crowded market, in mythological times, it was getting difficult for mystics and yogis to get customers. Always on the lookout for a "killer app", they chanced upon this which would change their fortunes. The physical manifestation of the product was called levitation, which a great many mystics and yogis adopted to become great. Picture this - a yogi is sitting in meditation and suddenly he begins to rise from his seat. A result of all the veggies he has consumed. Much like the space shuttle Atlantis rising from its pod. The first few attempts ended in disaster. But after some research and experimentation, including a variety of veggies, the flight velocity and trajectory could be controlled.

    1. Thank you, darkofficehumor. I often wondered how those Yogi did it. I bet the astronauts achieved lift off the same way. All that flame and smoke in the Apollo program had to come from Brussels sprouts.