Friday, May 24, 2013

Deteriorata Too

The Lunatic Assylum received complaints from diabetics that its last, treacly post caused their blood sugars to soar. In particular, a complaint and subpoena was received from Buzz Malone claiming I had copied his blog and romantic post. To see how delightfully imitate-able Buzz Malone's post is you should visit it HERE. (Be sure to come back, please.) This post is an attempt to rectify all that--the treacle, the romance, and Buzz's right hook. You may still want to wait a week to have your fasting blood sugar tested.

The National Lampoon's parody of the inspirational poem, Desiderata, has itself been parodied. I have written a half dozen myself. Here is my latest. Find the New Jersey cheap shot. The Lunatic Assylum has already been threatened by an entire family of lawyers with New Jersey connections. (sheesh, in-laws!) We're loonies. We're not afraid.

Deteriorata Too
(ancient parchment found in Filene's Basement in 1614, shortly after the Dutch took Manhattan)

Go placidly amid the noisesome haste,
And remember such comfort there may be in mortgaging a piece thereof.

Avoid boring and lifeless persons, unless you are in need of loans.
Floss daily.
Admire the brilliant, the clever, the self-loved,
And follow their example, though they be actors.

Know what to taste and when.
Consider that it is better to have loved and lost,
Than to diet on Thanksgiving.
Whenever possible, text in public places.

Be consoled that in the face of all appearances and disillusionment,
And despite the advance of environmental collapse,
There is always a big future in crisis management.
Remember the Oscars.
Strive at all times to swim against the tide, cheat, and game the system.
Foster self awareness.  Remove your shoes and socks at TSA.

Exercise caution in your public affairs,
Especially when the security cam is on,
And your partner behaves like a fool.
Ponder always that a walk through the ocean of most souls,
Will scarcely get your feet wet.

Fall not in love therefore; it will complicate your day.
Cheerfully surrender the things of youth: hair, white teeth, sleeping through the night.
And let not the Wolves of Madison Avenue eat your lunch.
For a good time, Google keyword “fun.”

Take heart within the depressing gloom of life,
That your ringtones are finally annoying that jerk on your left.
And reflect that whatever fortune may befall you,
It could only be worse in New Jersey.

You are a fluke of the Universe.
You have no right to be here, and whether you can hear it or not,
The Universe is laughing behind your back.
Therefore make peace with your God whatever you conceive Her to be,
Lightening thrower or Cosmic Lover.

With all its hopes, dreams, potential, and suburban decay,
The world continues to deteriorate.
Give up.

 Sorry if that didn't inspire you to spring from your sick bed and pick daisies, but thanks for reading. See you again, I hope.


  1. That could be my favorite post of yours yet, Doc. Damn it. You always reel me in with your poetic verve, and then smack me up side the head with your B.S. Great stuff. Really. Great.

  2. Thanks for reading, Buzz. You ain't no hack, yourself.
    I'm a poet, and I know it, hope I don't blow it.

  3. I have to agree with Buzz on this one. For all of us who grew up hearing the track called "Desiderata" on the radio this was really funny because I could hear the real words in my mind as I read yours. I loved it so much, I memorized it as a teen. Thanks for bringing back some great ideas mixed with your own deviant spin. It brightened my spirits on this rainy Friday.

    1. Thank you for reading, Elaine. There are many audio renditions of Desiderata and in the 60s it was printed on paper to look like old parchment and made into hippie posters. It was written in 1928 by a poet (who was not diabetic and didn't worry about the treacle effect). The vicar of the church in Baltimore like it, read it to his congregation and stored the document in the church basement. The church date to the late 1600s and when the document was found it was said to also date to that same era.
      There have been a number of parodies. Notably the National Lampoon did one audio version in the 70s. I myself have written several over the past 30 years, updating it to accommodate new historical data. Today's post is one version. Yet another will be in my book Shortstack in the fall.